Shmuel's Soapbox: American Idol Annex

Finale!

Stuff about the final episode after the cut! (Brief synopsis: it didn't come close to topping last year's finale, but it was still a pretty good show.)

We start with Blake and Jordin performing "I Saw Her/Him Standing There" as a duet. Fun!

Gwen Stefani's on the video screen, performing "Four In The Morning." I've gotta say, I'm not really a fan of performances not on the Idol stage itself. Sorta takes away from the spectacle of the Big! Live! Show!

Kelly Clarkson! Whoo-hoo! Rockin' out with her new single, "Never Again."

...and it's the return of the Golden Idol Awards. I shouldn't be smiling this broadly, and yet I am.

Best Presentation goes to Margaret Fowler, who picks it up resplendent in yellow Muppet-skin. I swear the orchestral accompaniment incorporates a couple bars from the old Sesame Street arrangement. And her cell phone rings when he gets on stage. And she reads an alleged poem to Simon. There are no words.

The top 6 guys warble a doo-wop number. And then Smokey Robinson schools them. And then they all perform "Tears of a Clown."

Blake raps with Doug E. Fresh. ...and it's a beatbox-off! (Blake wins, but incorporates numerous shoutouts to Doug E., so I guess it's okay.)

Golden Idol: Most Original Vocal goes to Sholandric Shalworth (?), who performs "Silent Night" at Randy's request, and is audible despite being several feet from the microphone.

The top 6 girls sing "I Heard It Through the Grapevine," acquitting themselves much better than the boys did. And here's Gladys Knight! Whoo!

...this may be the dullest blog posting ever. But I'm not about to stop now.

Tony Bennett performs "For Once In My Life." Honestly, love it or hate it -- and right now, it's a mixture of both -- nobody gets a mix of performers like Idol.

Why is Randy wearing a mariachi outfit?

Golden Idols: Best Buddies. The bush baby and his special friend, the Paris Hilton clones, or... Simon and Ryan. Ha! But it's the first pair, Kenneth and Jonathan, that wins. And Idol has sponsored an actual bush baby in Kenneth's honor at the Milwaukee County Zoo... named "Simon."

Melinda performs with the people she used to sing backup for. Didn't catch the name.

Ford commercial: "Time After Time." Coincidentally, I discovered "Lactose Intolerant" a few days ago and it's taken up residence in my head since. Oh, and Blake and Jordin get Ford Mustangs.

Carrie Underwood is in the house! Performing "I'll Stand By You."

And Clive Davis is here to present the album sales scorecard. Daughtry is the music industry's biggest artist of the year, selling more than 2.5 million albums. Shoutout to Jennifer Hudson. And to the songwriters. And Fantasia. And now he's presenting Carrie Underwood with a cheesy-looking sign recognizing 6 million domestic album sales. Were I making any effort to be entertaining, I'd probably speculate about how much it'd fetch on eBay.

And now, the African Children's Choir.

Oh, dear. Dramatic montage of visionaries through history and Also Sprach Zarathustra, leading to Sanjaya, performing with Joe Perry of Aerosmith. ...singing "You Really Got Me." They hate us.

Where's Crying Girl? I expect to see Crying Girl! ...ah, here she is. Crying, of course.

And here's Green Day, with "Working Class Hero."

With no ado at all, Taylor Hicks comes out singing after the commercial break. I'm pretty sure I just felt a seismic wave generated by Pam's cringing, one state over.

There is nothing like a good harmonica solo. And that was, in fact, nothing like a good harmonica solo.

Jordin and Ruuuuuuuuben!

And now, Bette Midler with "Wind Beneath My Wings." My feelings about the eclectic mix of performances swings sharply toward "hate it."

Idol's tribute to "Seargent Pepper!" Kelly Clarkson and Joe Perry perform the title song; Taylor Hicks read the news today, oh boy; Carrie Underwood tells us "She's Leaving Home" as this year's female finalists sing backup; Ruben describes "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" as the male finalists join in; assorted finalists get by with a little help from their friends. And that's that. No "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!" in this medley.

...man, they're not leaving any time for the results announcement. Which means Jordin must have won, because they'd have to allow for some buildup if there were an upset. Right?

74 million votes last night. Ryan is handed the envelope with the results.

Randy predicts Jordin won; Paula is proud of both of them; Simon congratulates Jordin.

And the winner is... [long pause] Jordin!

Final pool standings: I run the table on Jordin, taking first place with 31 points. (I told you so!) Frito has an excellent debut year, taking second place (and, with any luck, the mix CD) with 28 points. Mo Pie is just barely behind him with 27.5. TeKay has 24, Pam has 18.5, Jesse has 18, and I stopped rolling over Mel's picks, so she ends up with 17.

Thanks to everybody who participated and commented! It always makes this much more fun. Let's do it again next year!