8:38 PM:

Okay, so here's the entry I've been avoiding writing. I suppose this conversation I had on the phone a little while back is as good a starting point as any:

"I'm finding it interesting reading about [your leg shaving and so on]. You know what I'm waiting for next?"
"What?"
"Finding out your reaction to pantyhose."
[short pause]
A bit faintly: "I see."
[short pause]
"I was expecting you to say, 'oh, I've tried that already!'"
[shorter pause]
"I was debating whether to say just that, to be honest."
"Ah ha! And?"
"They're interesting, yeah. In fact, it's just possible that this is what sparked the whole leg-shaving thing in the first place."

It's taken a few years, but I begin to understand this.

It's been interesting. I've been going on a bit of a shopping spree, albeit through eBay, and nothing too expensive. Good thing, too, as most of my purchases so far have been to establish sizing, rather than necessarily to look good on me. I've been learning a lot about differences in body proportion, particularly with regard to hip/waist ratios. But there are so many other variables to take into account... rise, bust size, shoulder broadness, arm length... I've never had to worry about this stuff when buying male clothes. And most of the time eBay sellers don't even bother with the variables, as if a "size 10" or whatever meant the same thing across the boards, and... well, anyway, to return to the point, I've got some skirts, a couple of dresses, various undergarments (my most expensive purchase to date being a mastectomy bra), and so on, and some of it even more or less fits.

Bras are actually the single item of clothing I've felt silliest about. I mean, skirts and tights and such basically serve the same function no matter what the gender of the wearer is; that men don't wear kilts in this country is a cultural thing, not a biological one. Whereas the intended function of bras are to provide support. Not only don't I need support up there, in my case, they serve the opposite function of weighing me down with padding. It seems kinda perverse; not in the sense of sexual perversion, but in the sense of the garment being used in a way contrary to its reason for being.

On the other hand, female clothes are made with the assumption that the wearer has breasts, and I don't think I'll ever be able to carry off the Kate Moss look, so there's not much way around this.

At any rate, I found myself experiencing sticker shock when looking through the Victoria's Secret catalog for the first time (ordered just recently, among others. As an aside, it's also interesting looking through a lingerie catalog and having one's attention occupied by the clothes). Let's put it this way: up until now, I have been grudgingly paying as much as $2.50 for a pair of boxer briefs. The sort of prices Vicky charges for underwear are, well, hard to get my mind around.

I've also found myself getting much more body-conscious since starting this. How much of this is of necessity (trying to cram a male body into clothes meant for a different figure makes you more aware of what you've got) and how much of this is due to societal norms (being male and a bit out of shape is okay, but attempting some semblance of femaleness demands perfection) is an interesting question. But whatever the source, if this doesn't get me to start exercising regularly, I suspect nothing will.

And then there's the leg-shaving, which has expanded to much of the body in general. Nair works well enough on the upper back; I've been trying an electric shaver on my abdomen lately -- takes rather awhile, but avoiding razor bumps there is a priority; I'm still trying various razors on my legs, and still nicking myself every time; and a test patch with wax worked fairly well, despite the ouch factor, but it'd require not shaving for a few weeks first. In the meantime, I've become more familiar than I ever expected to be with the words "exfoliation" and "moisturation." With brings me to another side effect: I'm bathing more often, which is probably also a good thing. Just don't ask how much I've spent on shaving supplies so far; I don't really want to do the math. And I still have enough razor bumps for a diverting, if pointless, game of connect-the-dots.

(Aside: on various recommendations, I've now tried both the Venus and the Mach III. I originally got the former, having been told that they were effectively the same thing, with the only differences being ergonomics and marketing. I was then told by several people that, no, they're totally different. Having tried both, I find myself siding with the latter group of people. I'm not sure how to articulate the difference, but the Venus is lighter and whippier; the Mach III is more solid. I haven't yet decided which I prefer, but each beats the disposables I'd previously tried, hands down.)

You may ask: why am I doing this, and what the heck am I getting at? I don't know. And that bothers me. I'm not used to not having any idea of what I'm getting at, except perhaps when it comes to my sex drive, and that really doesn't seem to be a strong motivation here. (I won't deny that some of this turns me on a bit, but that's not even close to being the driving force. More like a minor side effect.)

I have a few guesses. Curiosity has always been a driving force in my life, and I've been interested in gender issues for awhile now, and there's nothing like learning stuff through experience. Even if -- perhaps especially if -- one of the main lessons you learn is how much you really don't understand. So that in itself might be enough of a motivation.

Then there's the body image thing. I never have much liked the way I look, and it's probably the case that in my mind looking good and looking female are very strongly associated. I suppose this could be a factor. (If so, it's probably an ironic and self-defeating one. I'm told that I don't look that bad for a guy. It seems very unlikely that I could do any better in drag.)

And then there's the psychological explanation, in which I've had one heck of an unsettling year, and have been trying to figure out just where I fit into this world. My boundaries have gotten a lot more flexible in general just now, as a whole lot of things have been opened up for question. Let's see... I'm still not talking to my father, I'm in an unfamiliar town that I don't much care for, I've been changing a bunch of my religious practices, and I don't know if I'll still be in this school all that much longer. And among the unresolved issues in my psyche, gender has definitely been one of them. As mentioned here in an earlier entry, I've identified with women more than men for a very long time now. Perhaps it's no wonder I've been trying out one aspect of the contemporary American female experience, and trying to figure out, in an experiential way, just where I fit into things.

...umm, I mean gender roles and society. Not dresses. C'mon, guys, I'm trying to be serious here.

Incidentally, as I realize that, whether I like it or not, this is to some extent identified in people's minds as an Orthodox Jewish journal, I should probably clarify that none of this stuff is actually permitted under Jewish law. Male leg-shaving is generally considered to be prohibited, as it falls under the Biblical prohibition on crossdressing. Which I was already violating on a purely literal level, so, you know, in for a penny, in for a pound.

And, no, I don't have any way of reconciling my behavior with this prohibition. Except that, since the end of January, I've been allowing myself room to experiment with things, whether they make sense or not. And I can't justify that, except by saying that something had to give, and I'm giving this a shot, and we'll see where it ends up. It's been an unsettling but interesting ride so far.

I should also note that the above is current as of a couple of weeks ago. Right now, I think I'm too frantic about taking care of my incompletes to be dealing with this also, so, aside from basic maintainence, it's been largely put on hold. (Either that, or I'm getting done with the phase pretty quickly, but I rather doubt that.)