3:23 AM:

Y'know, I was reminded of something earlier tonight that I'd all but lost sight of: there are things I'm good at. After the train wreck that's been the past eight months, I'd forgotten.

See, my first year as a Ph.D. student hasn't just been frazzling and stressful and so on; it's also been making me feel incompetent. I've had a grand total of one class since I've started which I feel went well, in which I've been engaged by the subject matter, in which I ended up actually getting something done. The rest have been disasters to one extent or another. And while I know that this is at least partly due to the High Holy Days Domino Effect, and at least partly a matter of getting acclimated, I've also been strongly suspecting that, as per the Peter Principle, I've finally reached my level of incompetence; that while I made a good undergraduate student, I'm simply not cut out for grad work.

But that might not be such a bad thing.

I was just typing to a classmate from Queens College on AOL Instant Messenger for the first time in a very long while, and he started by giving me some unexpected and very flattering credit for helping him as an undergrad. (And, I might add, he hadn't remembered at the time that it was my birthday...) To be honest, I wasn't sure what I'd done to deserve it. Some friendly conversations, yes, and I vaguely remembered e-mailing him a bit of advice on a poem or two he'd been working on, but it wasn't anything major...

So I went back and looked over some of my old e-mail, finding more than I'd expected. Editing and writing are two entirely different sets of skills, and while I couldn't have actually written the stuff he ended up with, I was reminded that I am a damn good editor. I'd forgotten how good.

I'm also not a bad editorialist, although I've only used that skill once since coming here. That letter I sent my department about the proposed work stoppage back in March? Some people on the other side actually read the thing, felt that I'd raised some good points they hadn't previously considered, and ended up with a strengthened comittment to their own side. I couldn't ask for higher praise than that.

And based on the e-mail I've just gotten... well, for one thing, I've got some really good friends. For another, the evidence suggests that I'm a good friend myself. Which may be the highest praise of all.

So maybe my fears about my grad program are right. Perhaps I'm not cut out to become a Ph.D.; perhaps I'll be asked to leave next semester and will end up leaving academia entirely. Maybe this is one thing I'm not good at. Even if that turns out to be the case, it's not the end of the world, and it's certainly not a referendum on my self-worth. As hard to believe as it's been recently, I really am good at other things.

It's nice to be reminded of that sometimes.

11:44 PM:

So, you may ask, what's been going on in my life? I'm not even sure where to begin...

So let's start with a light and fluffy subject: movies. Reaching back pretty far, because I've been derelict in my journal-keeping duties here, and have a backlog of stuff not written about.

So, somewhere along the line, a few months back, I finally saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, having gotten it through NetFlix. And, you know, nothing I'd heard about this film prepared me for the reality. I don't, for example, understand why people compared Jar Jar Binks to the Ewoks; the Ewoks were practically Shakespearean actors compared to Jar Jar. And even once you remove the most annoying computer-generated character of all time, you're still left with a really, really bad film. I was so glad when it finally ended. And I so hope Episode II dies at the box office, or at least has a very bad first weekend. Jette's right; awful filmmaking shouldn't be rewarded.

My NetFlix subscription has been lying fallow for most of this semester, actually; up until a couple of weeks ago, I'd had the same three DVDs out for more than two months. Some might see this as a waste of money, but, as I see it, I saved a fortune in overdue fines. NetFlix is perfect for people like me...

But eventually I did get around to watching Never Been Kissed, which is cute, and has the advantage of being about a copy editor, but which has the serious disadvantage of being not the least bit believable in any respect.

On the bright side, I have finally seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Unfortunately, I don't have anything to add to what everybody else has already said about it: if you haven't seen (or haven't liked) Kevin Smith's other films, come back to this one only after seeing all the rest. If you have seen and enjoyed the others, you'll love this film. I'm in the second category; I loved the film. It is, indeed, an extended series of in-jokes, a love letter to Smith's fans, or to his characters, or -- probably -- both. Now I'm just waiting to get the second DVD of the set -- with the deleted scenes and bonus stuff -- from NetFlix. It oughta be good.

Unfortunately, I followed this up with Moulin Rouge. Here, too, everybody else has already made the main observation: either you love this film, or you hate it. I'd hoped I'd be in the former category, but it was not to be. I gave up about two-thirds of the way through. Nice enough idea, but that camera work, those quick cuts... no thanks.

Every now and then, one finds a letter in Ann Landers or Dear Abby about, for example, somebody who waited all of Father's Day for his kids to call, and they never did, and he got so depressed that he got in his car and drove off a cliff, and isn't it a shame that he got his dates mixed up and Father's Day was actually the following week?

...but I'm straying from the point, which is that there's this whole genre of problems resulting from people forgetting other people's birthdays, anniversaries, and so on. I personally feel that it's a shame when something like that happens, which is why I make sure to remind everybody about my birthday loudly and persistently, starting well in advance.

My birthday (May 10th, remember?) being just a couple of hours away, a brief review of the two ground rules seems in order:

Rule #1: I don't expect any presents. There are no exceptions to this rule. I don't expect presents from family members; I don't expect them from friends; I don't expect them from people I've sent birthday presents to. If I do happen to get something (and this year's already turning out to be an exceptional one in this regard), it's a pleasant surprise, not something that's somehow coming to me.

Rule #2: I do expect to be wished a happy birthday. Or at least I devoutly hope for it. Snail-mail cards are wonderful. So are two-word e-mail messages. I'm also fond of Web-based cards, with or without cute animated sequences or MIDI background music. Phone calls are nice, too, if you have my number and can actually get through to me. Make me happy; be in touch.

2:20 AM:

Has it really been almost two weeks since my last entry? Oops.

Quick list of highlights: A- in Editing. B+ in New Romanticisms. Incompletes in Black Marxism and Masochism. An award from Queens College. A long, ever-changing list of factors affecting What I'll Do On My Summer Vacation. Harry Potter Band-Aids. And a birthday party in the works.

All this, and more, on the 11:00 News...