Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then we elected them.

--Lily Tomlin

Wednesday, June 9, 1999
Rudy's Book

I have decided to fill out the rest of this week's worth of entries with more reruns from my writings for the college paper. Makes my life easier, and they'll probably be better than whatever I'd whip up right now anyway. So, the following is the third installment of my weekly column, originally printed on March 9, 1998. It remains the only installment to be written almost completely in verse.
In a development that proves that life really is stranger than fiction, the papers have just announced that Mayor Giuliani is about to write a children's book, which will be inflicted upon innocent public school students. We at the Quad have obtained an early draft of this book, which fell off the back of a truck coming from the ghostwriter's house.

      See Rudy G.
      Hey, Rudy's me!

      That Rudy G.,
      That Rudy G.,
      I sure do like
      That Rudy G.

      Do you like
      my policy?

      I really like
      Your policy.
      I sure do like
      you, Rudy G.!

      Do you like the
      Squeegee man?
      Do you want him
      near your van?

      I do not like
      the squeegee man.
      I do not want him
      near my van.
      I really like
      your policy.
      I sure do like
      you, Rudy G.!

      Isn't tennis
      far too boring?
      Is it something
      you're abhoring?

      Tennis is
      extremely boring.
      It is something
      I'm abhorring.
      I do not like
      the squeegee man.
      I do not want him
      near my van.
      I really like
      your policy.
      I sure do like
      you, Rudy G.!

      Gee, the Rangers
      play great hockey!
      Now let's piss off
      George Pataki!

      Yes, the Rangers
      play great hockey.
      Yes, let's piss off
      George Pataki.
      Tennis really
      is quite boring.
      It is something
      I'm abhorring.
      I do not like
      the squeegee man.
      I do not want him
      near my van.
      I really like
      your policy.
      I sure do like
      you, Rudy G.!

      New Yorkers all
      should show some class.
      "New York can kick
      Your city's ass!"

      New Yorkers should
      be nice, at that.
      Except when they
      see Arafat.
      Boy, the Rangers
      play great hockey.
      Come, let's piss off
      George Pataki.
      Tennis sucks, is
      what I'm thinkin'.
      Figures it was
      played by Dinkins.
      I do not like
      the squeegee man.
      I do not want him
      near my van.
      I really like
      your policy.
      I sure do like
      you, Rudy G.!

      How about the
      new Times Square?
      Do you like the
      changes there?

      Gee, I like the
      new Times Square.
      I sure like the
      changes there!
      All New Yorkers
      should be nice,
      And thank their mayor
      once or twice.
      "The Rangers Rule!"
      is our new motto.
      Come, let's piss off
      Al D'Amato.
      Tennis is a
      loser game.
      U.S. Open?
      Send some planes.
      I do not like
      the squeegee man.
      I do not want him
      near my van.
      I really like
      your policy.
      I sure do like
      you, Rudy G.!

      Jaywalking is
      not allowed.
      It will be stopped!
      So I have vowed.

      Jaywalking is
      such a crime.
      I'm glad you've stopped
      it just in time.
      Gee, I like the
      new Times Square.
      It's Disney, Disney,
      everywhere!
      All New Yorkers
      should be nice,
      And thank the mayor
      once or twice.
      I see the Rangers
      on vacation.
      Let's diss the
      United Nations.
      Tennis is a
      loser game.
      U.S. Open?
      Send some planes.
      I do not like
      the squeegee man.
      I do not want him
      near my van.
      Rudy! You are
      heaven-sent!
      Some day, you'll be
      President!

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