-- Carol Leifer

Back on May 22nd, I got evaluated by the Speech Clinic on campus. At the end of the hour or so, I was told that I did, in fact, need speech therapy, a conclusion which entirely failed to surprise me, oddly enough. Not very long after that, I got a copy of my official report in the mail.

The report is interesting. It's two and a half pages long, and it has an impressive red CONFIDENTIAL stamp on the first page. I am wildly misquoted at several points along the way, but given that the point is that I have trouble making myself understood, this seems ironically appropriate.

At any rate, the last page sums the whole thing up pretty well, so I'm just gonna violate my own privacy and pass it along to you guys:

Shmuel, a 27 year old senior at Queens College, who is majoring in English, presented with a very fast rate of speech in the spontanteous speech situation. Occasional moments of dysfluency were characterized by repetition of monosyllabic words and initial syllabic units. Articulatory skills were good, however, due to the fast rate of speech, he frequently omitted final consonants and some function words. He was able to self correct by prolonging the syllabic unit and pausing more frequently. However, his pausing was not always appropriate or meaningful. When reading aloud, Shmuel was able to decrease his rate of speech.

Shmuel appears to function in a "fast" environment and becomes impatient with people who elaborate upon their thoughts and feelings. He will often interrupt their speaking turn when he is aware of their communicative intent. Shmuel is a speed reader, speaker and typist, who is now aware that people are experiencing difficulty when verbally interacting with him. Since he is considering going to graduate school to further pursue his studies in teaching, editing and writing, it was suggested to him that it is imperative that people verbally understand him when he is engaged in those activities.

It is recommended he receive fluency therapy at this center during the Fall 2000 semester, either in individual or group therapy, for one hour per week. Prognosis is good in view of his motivation.

I actually have things to say about the "speaking turn" thing, but I'm going to put it on hold, I think. Which, given my track record, makes it unlikely that I'll get back to it, but c'est la vie. I've got too much ground to gallop through right now.

But it turns out the professor I had for French 111 -- with whom I got along well, and in whose class I learned stuff -- is teaching French 112 next semester, and she's willing to let me sit in on her classes.

I'd like to do this, but don't know if I'll really have the time, so we'll see what happens; I figure I'll start out taking the class, and if it gets to be too much, I can always stop attending. Given that it's entirely "off the books," I've got nothing to lose by giving it a shot.

And it came to pass that my British Literature professor loved it, and gave me an A+ on the essay, and an A in the course, which was a half-grade higher than I'd expected on both counts. And it was good.

In point of fact, I have only two course requirements left: one in social sciences, and one physical education class. The latter continues to scare me. But other than that, I can write my own ticket in my final two semesters.

Well, almost. Admittedly, my entire schedule this coming semester consists of trying to wrap my classes around a course in The Comic Muse that's in a fairly inconvenient time slot (early afternoons, Mondays and Wednesdays), but which I nonetheless have to take, if only because I begged its professor to teach it. Be careful of what you wish for...

More to the point, I've wanted a course in comedy ever since I came here, and this is gonna be my only chance to get it. And it oughta be good. It's just complicating the rest of my schedule, that's all.

I was then faced with the challenge of transporting my new boombox home on the subway, feeling as if I were holding a neon sign screaming "STEAL ME!" in foot-tall letters, but, in fact, nothing happened. And it turns out to be an adequate piece of equipment that does what I want it to, which -- at this point -- primarily consists of making mix tapes.

I'm still amazed at how hard it was to find in the first place, though.