I resigned from the college paper today.

I had made the decision yesterday afternoon, but decided to sleep on it first, realizing that I had, after all, been up pretty much 'round the clock the night before.

As it happens, I went to sleep at around 10 PM, and woke up at 3 AM, but that was enough for me to think the situation through again with a clear mind. And I found that, if anything, the decision was even more correct than I had thought it was the day before.

There are a great many factors affecting the decision. To a large extent, it's simply the resolution of an unresolved conflict from a year ago. There are other, more recent, factors also; the nature of the paper is being changed, and I no longer have the will to fight it, nor the desire to stay on afterwards. What it all adds up to is that, at this point, my continued presence at the paper would only cause more aggravation for myself and for the rest of the editorial board. Better to just step aside and let the new guys do things their way.

In a way, I'm just glad the whole thing is finally settled.

One reason why I'm able to walk away is that I know that the paper will, indeed, survive without me. This wouldn't have been the case last semester, I think. But, ultimately, the editorial board that was formed three semesters back succeeded. The paper is very much on the upswing. And I'm proud to have been a part of that.

But now the old guard is all but gone. The new guard wants change. And I, who have always fought for maintaining the status quo at the paper, find that I am no longer in a position where I feel that I have the right to do so. And perhaps they're right, and it's time to reinvent the paper again. Either way, I'm weary wi' politics, and fain wald lie down.

The professor basically tried to reassure me that everything's going to be all right, and that I should relax, and just take the selections on my own schedule, catching up with the class at my own speed. And I ultimately agreed, mostly because, well, he's my professor, not my shrink.

But I wish I were that confident. And I almost wish I had firsthand experience with relaxing. Wasting time, yes; I'm familiar with that. And the occasional fit of depression, sure. But that's not relaxing, as I understand it; there's no feeling of ease, of being at peace with the world in some way, of having a lack of tension. In the best of times, I run on nervous energy.

Oh, well. Tonight's crises: My art homework, and reading more of Marx. Forget about the critical reading journal; it's not going to happen this time, realistically. Tomorrow night, I work 'round the clock, if need be, until the 4 PM Friday deadline for the writing contest. After which, I get to collapse for a day.

That's one benefit of being Orthodox Jewish, I guess. It is kind of nice to have one day a week when I'm not allowed to do very much.